The Deal
by c2t2
Summary: Kagome wished, for the thousandth time, that she hadn’t made that deal


Title: The Deal  
Author: c2t2  
Disclaimers: The characters were created by Rumiko Takahashi, and are owned by people that are not me. The quote near the end is from Wikipedia. Also, I would normally never say such things about the mentally handicapped, or anyone's mother, but I think these characters would. Finally, no Mirokus were injured or (permanently) traumatized in the creation of this fic. However, I cannot make the same guarantee for yellow backpacks.

WARNINGS: Language, CRACK, Character(?) death?, Language, sporking censorship, political incorrectness, Language, OOC Kagome (probably), did I mention Profanity?

Summary: Kagome made an impulsive deal which quickly devolves into "Yo' mama" jokes, extreme immaturity, and the universal male obsession with size/virility.

AN: When I started this, it was supposed to be a simple verbal confrontation between two of our favorite canine demons. But it got completely out of control, and mutated into something that couldn't possibly occur in the fic I was trying to work on. Then I cackled evilly (Kukuku), and went back to write the first half of the fic. So here we are!

AN2: Can you figure out which "combatant" is which? Neither can I! Free e-pocky for anyone who guesses! (Especially if you make a case for which is which.)

The Deal

Kagome wished, for the thousandth time, that she hadn't made that deal.

She had gotten Inuyasha and Kouga to agree to a truce… she thought. It had been spur-of-the-moment, and if she had thought on it for a minute or asked anyone else's opinion, this would not have happened.

_Kagome no baka._

She had lost her temper when they were fighting, as they did whenever they ran across each other. Usually, it didn't bother her, much, only this time… her backpack had been a casualty. Her loyal, trustworthy, dependable, precious, yellow backpack that had been her closest companion (literally!) through all of their adventures and misadventures… Her wonderful, useful, irreplaceable yellow backpack had been _shredded_.

To Kagome, whether Sankon Tessou or Kouga's whirling, nearly invisible strikes had done the deed… it didn't matter.

She hadn't seen it happen, but as far as she knew, she had set her bag down once Kouga and Inuyasha started fighting, and a minute later a whirling blur of hanyou and wolf-demon got a little too close to it. Both dueling males immediately froze, deer in the headlights, eyes wide, as scraps of yellow canvas and maxi-pads fell like rain.

They immediately pointed at each other.

The next few minutes of this fic have been censored for your protection.

We instead give you this abridged version, varying as little as possible from the original while ensuring that no children could be traumatized by this section.

Abridged: _Kagome gently scolded them and drew up a plan so such things could be avoided in the future_.

We now return to your regularly scheduled fic. Don't touch that dial!

Quality Control

Motto: sanitizing everything for children since the formation of the company.

"Now, I am willing to make you a deal." The two unfortunate males gulped and nodded, not daring to disagree with her. "This is a contest. The first one of you to attack the other, loses. By attack, I mean _any_ sort of physical contact _at all_ with intent to injure, including weapons or having someone else do it. Got it?"

She turned first to the wolf demon. "Kouga, if you lose, you are never to speak to me again. If you win, I will do one thing for you, whatever you ask, including be your woman or give the jewel to you. Or anything else entirely, but _only_ one thing." She flashed him a suggestive grin, as if she knew everything he could ask of her and was looking forward to it. Kouga lost the ability to think for a while.

Inuyasha seemed ready to explode at that point, before she addressed him. "Inuyasha, you are quite lucky! There is no direct punishment if you lose. However, if you win, I will permanently remove the beads from around your neck." She knew she didn't need to do it, that he would go to the ends of the earth to keep her from Kouga, but she was being kind and giving him a plausible reason to agree to the deal without admitting he was doing it for her. Kagome mentally patted herself on the back for her kindness before once again speaking aloud.

"You will swear to uphold the contract and will seal it with a blood pact. I will write it now," she pulled out her notebook and did so. The guys each signed and stained the paper with the drop of blood, then looked expectantly at Kagome.

"What?" she asked.

"Don't you have to sign it too?" Inuyasha hazarded to ask. "You have to agree to uphold your part as well."

'Damn!' Kagome thought, 'I was hoping they wouldn't think of that…' Outwardly she gave him a sunny smile, "Oh, of course!" and finished the contract. Everything seemed ordinary up until that moment. When her drop of blood hit the paper, however, the contract started to glow, then suddenly vanished, and three identical sealed scrolls appeared, one before each of them.

Nobody moved for a long, long time.

"What," Kagome finally managed to get out, "was _that_?"

The demons mumbled "I dunno" and "Beats me" in the same tone of dumbfounded disbelief.

Was it some kind of obscure miko or youkai power? Was some mischievous spirit or kami playing a trick? What would happen if someone tried to break it? The only way to know for sure was to test it. But how could they do that, when the stakes were so high?

They all looked at each other, still shocked into silence for a few more moments. Then it started.

And within moments, Kagome saw her mistake.

After fifteen minutes Kagome wished, for the thousandth time, that she hadn't made that deal.

After twenty minutes of Inuyasha and Kouga's battle, Kagome opened her library books and figured this would be as good a time as any to get started on her Biology research project. Figures, the one thing she saved from her pack was _homework_. She tuned in to the confrontation for a moment to see how it was going, trying to gauge how much time she had…

Youkai and hanyou stood toe-to-toe, each trying to goad the other into an attack. Insults and trash talk flew back and forth, no (verbal) punches pulled.

She sighed, opening her thickest book and murmuring, "Tiny brain? How could he measure that?" Kagome hadn't really expected an answer, but saw the one who'd flung the insult spin toward her. She didn't look to see which it was, and right now they both looked and sounded the same to her.

"How? You split open the bastard's head and rip his fucking brains out, that's how!" combatant #1 bellowed. "Although if I did that, I doubt if I could even find the thing!"

"Aw, poor little dimwit," combatant #2 cooed in a mock-sympathetic tone, "If you need directions just to find my head, then I really shouldn't be beating on you so badly. You might lose the few marbles you have!"

"Directio- Your head's so swollen, it'd take a Gokurakuchou to map it! Want me to cut it down to size?"

"I'm pretty sure it's your head that needs cutting! You never use it."

"If we're cutting off useless body parts, your head is just the first in a long list!"

"I thought you couldn't find it? And I told you: I shouldn't pick on a _retard_."

"You're fucking running away from our fight?"

"Ha! You wish… You know, I bet your mother's simpleminded too. In fact, I wonder how she even dressed herself if she was too fucking stupid to drown your ass at birth, talk about a face only a mother could love!"

"Drown my ass? Most of us don't talk, or breathe, out of ours, but you obviously do! You also seem overly obsessed with the size of body parts…"

"Oh, speaking of size, guess what I know about your mama, asshole!"

"You know your mama's asshole? That's too much damn information, you sick fuck!"

"No, I know YOUR mother's asshole, among other things. And she _is_ a sick fuck."

"That does it! Now I'm gonna fuck you up so bad, I'll damage even _your_ tiny, shriveled little brain!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be talking about tiny, shriveled little body parts if I were you! Your…"

This tasteful show of maturity and tact was broken into by Kagome excitedly shrieking, "I ACTUALLY FOUND IT!" which caused truly horrible images to flash through the minds of everyone who'd been listening. Which happened to be Inuyasha and Kouga. Unfortunately, Kouga's henchmen had been half-listening, and Miroku had been trying, and failing, to meditate through the epic battle of wits, so they were subject to similar images. Four of them cringed.

Miroku seemed completely unaffected.

The others stared at the serene-looking monk, wondering for a moment whether his calm meant that the monk had acquired an unprecedented level of self-control, or that Miroku's mind was even more sick and perverted on a regular basis than any of them had ever thought possible. And about Kagome!

It only took them a moment, though.

"MIROKU!!!" the enormous surge of built-up youki caused a cold shiver in anyone who was even slightly sensitive for miles. The others (minus Kagome and Miroku) had long since fallen asleep, and were now rudely awakened by what felt like an enormous ceiling of pent-up youki crash on top of them. When they saw the sources of the youki and where their gazes pointed, they all knew who to blame.

"MIROKU!" This group, at least, sounded more annoyed and less murderous.

Kagome was confused. How did her "I found it!" turn into everyone being mad at Miroku? She brushed it aside when she felt the twinge of an oncoming headache and tried again. "Um, guys?"

The others could feel the tension draining away like water, and Miroku started to say an especially long prayer of thanks. A long, _silent_ prayer of thanks. No need to draw attention to himself…

Kagome held the book open before the previously squabbling demons, making sure to let neither of them have the book (or else, one way or another, she would never get it back) and indicated a section of text. As they leaned in closer, she was relieved that apparently both of them could read. They _were_ both nobility of sorts, right? A hand darted out fast to snatch the book from her, but she had been prepared for it and got away, book tightly clenched to her chest, arms covering as much of it as she could. "Hey, this isn't mine! You can't just go taking or destroying it!" Both demon and hanyou considered trying to take it anyway, one hoping to destroy it and one hoping to brush against Kagome's beautiful body in the attempt.

The text read:

_The main differences between wolves and domestic dogs are that wolves have, on average, __20 larger brains, better immune systems, a better sense of smell, and are generally larger than domestic dogs_.

Kouga's laughter could be heard for miles. Then there was the crunch of a fist hitting flesh, followed by the wolf demon's slightly pained whoops of victory and the hanyou's anguished howl.

The nearby villages, now convinced that their land was cursed and the apocalypse was upon them, all moved far, _far_ away.

Kagome tried to cheer Inuyasha up. "Just think about it! I won't be around anymore, so the beads are just as good as if they were gone!" even though she knew that wasn't the problem.

Besides, after what she'd read, this didn't seem like such a bad deal.

fin


End file.
